I will, I can & I am
I said in the “about me” I have been sharing my journey privately for a while. Today Facebook brought up this memory. I remember this as if it were last week, so does my husband, it was a pivotal point in my journey.
I shared…
January 16, 2019
I couldn't sleep last night, emotions, feelings, something uncomfortable kept passing through my system like a steady set of waves during a storm. "What you resist, persists..." so what am I resisting?
My alarm went off at 4 am, like always. BUT more than usual, I wanted to pull the blankets over my head and try to sleep through whatever this discomfort is. But I don't do that anymore.
Talking out loud to myself...Get up, get dressed, drink my lemon water.... routine, routine, routine. Thankful for the routine this morning.
My husband Mike noticed what I had on... "oh?" he treaded carefully.
Me...
We typically ride separately to the gym, I load myself into the car and drive. It feels like forever. I still don't have the Spotify thing worked out, so I am at the mercy of the radio... where's Metallica when you need it??? Nope, Pink's song “Perfect” is on, I know it’s not a coincidence.
I am fighting tears. WTF is wrong with me.... the answers start to come.
I call Mike. He says it out loud. "I noticed the sweatshirt you're wearing today. Ya' think 'cause we're doing good, maybe you can feel safe to feel....?"
Eeww...yuck, you're right. Gross. Stop talking I’ve gotta pull myself together.
I can't hide anymore, maybe I never could, but I wanted to be fat again today. I wanted to hide and feel that false sense of invisibility and safety. Damn... I am so uncomfortable.
My face shows it. My coach Jimmy gives me one of those healing hugs and quick pep talk. I have an HPT class, with my other coach, Tev. The ratio is 4-1 THERE IS NO HIDING. Tev checks in with me when Mike comes over to hug me and tells Tev “take care of her.”
Tev asks me "anything I need to know?"
Me "Nope, just ALL my stuff is just bubbling UPPPPPPPPPPP".
HPT (Hybrid Personal Training) is a strength-building class. As I mentioned earlier, it's 4-1. I thought I had to be strong before I could take it, but when I considered signing Tev told me it's about getting you strong. People in my inner circles know how much I LOVE coach Tev. He's one of the first coaches I've had when I started this journey. He has been key in helping me change my life and he hasn't ever let me off the hook.
I never know the names of the exercises, equipment....whatever it is, it’s hard enough to do the thing. We had to do this pull-up thing. It was hard. I was complaining. Tev told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and push thru... may or may not sound harsh. But Tev's allowed to say that to me, it's what I needed, and I growl anyway.
The next exercise thing is some kind of row with a weight thing. Tev starts me off with a 15lbs... shakes his head comes back with a 25lb one says something about using it... I tease him back about not feeling sorry for myself.
I work through the rest of class and I go for my run after. I don't track my time, but if I did I think I might of PR'D. I ran this one by myself... I pushed and ran 6 laps (3 miles) the most distance since being back in the gym, post-surgery. It recently rained, the air is fresh and feels really good. It clears my head.
A new level of healing is moving through me, physically and emotionally. I am NOT broken.... and it is time to end that chapter. The hard work and commitment are paying off.... holly hillbillies this is uncomfortable. Tears start while I am running, I am grateful it's dark.
I get back to the gym after my run and while not assigned, but, because I knew what I said, I did my 10 "I can't" burpees. Then, I did 10 more I CAN burpees.... because I could.
I am shedding the big sweatshirt, that once was tight and small. Powering up with the 25lb weight because I am strong. Allowing myself to be seen, not just the bad (that's so dysfunctionally much easier for me) but the (uncomfortable) good. Because I have worked, literally, my ass off to be HERE.
I WILL...
I CAN...
AND I AM.....
