How Dare I!

These memories come up on old social media posts, and I am glad I have shared them; they are reminders. It’s good to remember where we once were, although I don’t think I will ever forget.

She carried so much pain, and self-doubt, every extra ounce she carried didn’t represent more but less. The less she loved herself, the less she believed in herself, and the less she felt worthy ____ You fill in the blank; it was probably on her list.

She had dreams, but she didn’t dare utter them allowed. How dare she want __________ again, you fill in the blank, after all, she “was lucky to be here.” 

“Don’t you dare,” “Stop Being,” and “Can’t” which was usually prefaced with; we, you, or  I  were mantras spoken and modeled growing up.

Her mother, my mother, would tell her, “You may be skinny now, but you will be fat; those are our genetics; there’s no getting around it.”

And so she, I, gave up at one point; why bother? And don’t you dare do anything that makes her, my mother, uncomfortable. Don’t you dare shine too bright; don’t you dare embarrass her, don’t you dare surpass her achievements, make more money, be “too much” or thrive.

I have forgiven her for the pain she caused, but that doesn’t mean she’s a part of my life. I am deeply grateful for the things she did well and are foundational to who I am. 

Most importantly, I have forgiven myself for wanting my mother to be someone she couldn’t. In the process of forgiveness, self-love, self-acceptance and becoming unapologetically me, I released, and I started to dare differently. Today I often challenge myself, how dare I NOT Be; happy, enough, healthy, prosperous, and fulfill my dreams?

I strive to live each day courageously, in purpose, service and with love.